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Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask to get his breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs since the _City Arms_ hotel
Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask to get his breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs since the _City Arms_ hotel
when he used to be pretending to be laid up with a sick voice doing his
highness to make himself interesting for that old faggot Mrs Riordan
that he thought he had a great leg of and she never left us a farthing
all for masses for herself and her soul greatest miser ever was actually
afraid to lay out 4d for her methylated spirit telling me all her
ailments she had too much old chat in her about politics and earthquakes
and the end of the world let us have a bit of fun first God help the
world if all the women were her sort down on bathingsuits and lownecks
of course nobody wanted her to wear them I suppose she was pious because
no man would look at her twice I hope Ill never be like her a wonder
she didnt want us to cover our faces but she was a welleducated woman
certainly and her gabby talk about Mr Riordan here and Mr Riordan there
I suppose he was glad to get shut of her and her dog smelling my fur and
always edging to get up under my petticoats especially then still I like
that in him polite to old women like that and waiters and beggars too
hes not proud out of nothing but not always if ever he got anything
really serious the matter with him its much better for them to go into
a hospital where everything is clean but I suppose Id have to dring it
into him for a month yes and then wed have a hospital nurse next thing
on the carpet have him staying there till they throw him out or a nun
maybe like the smutty photo he has shes as much a nun as Im not yes
because theyre so weak and puling when theyre sick they want a woman
to get well if his nose bleeds youd think it was O tragic and that
dyinglooking one off the south circular when he sprained his foot at
the choir party at the sugarloaf Mountain the day I wore that dress
Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones she could find at the
bottom of the basket anything at all to get into a mans bedroom with
her old maids voice trying to imagine he was dying on account of her to
never see thy face again though he looked more like a man with his beard
a bit grown in the bed father was the same besides I hate bandaging and
dosing when he cut his toe with the razor paring his corns afraid hed
get bloodpoisoning but if it was a thing I was sick then wed see what
attention only of course the woman hides it not to give all the trouble
they do yes he came somewhere Im sure by his appetite anyway love its
not or hed be off his feed thinking of her so either it was one of those
night women if it was down there he was really and the hotel story he
made up a pack of lies to hide it planning it Hynes kept me who did I
meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton and who else who let me see
that big babbyface I saw him and he not long married flirting with a
young girl at Pooles Myriorama and turned my back on him when he slinked
out looking quite conscious what harm but he had the impudence to make
up to me one time well done to him mouth almighty and his boiled eyes of
all the big stupoes I ever met and thats called a solicitor only for
I hate having a long wrangle in bed or else if its not that its some
little bitch or other he got in with somewhere or picked up on the
sly if they only knew him as well as I do yes because the day before
yesterday he was scribbling something a letter when I came into the
front room to show him Dignams death in the paper as if something told
me and he covered it up with the blottingpaper pretending to be thinking
about business so very probably that was it to somebody who thinks
she has a softy in him because all men get a bit like that at his age
especially getting on to forty he is now so as to wheedle any money she
can out of him no fool like an old fool and then the usual kissing my
bottom was to hide it not that I care two straws now who he does it with
or knew before that way though Id like to find out so long as I dont
have the two of them under my nose all the time like that slut that Mary
we had in Ontario terrace padding out her false bottom to excite him bad
enough to get the smell of those painted women off him once or twice
I had a suspicion by getting him to come near me when I found the
long hair on his coat without that one when I went into the kitchen
pretending he was drinking water 1 woman is not enough for them it was
all his fault of course ruining servants then proposing that she could
eat at our table on Christmas day if you please O no thank you not in my
house stealing my potatoes and the oysters 2/6 per doz going out to see
her aunt if you please common robbery so it was but I was sure he had
something on with that one it takes me to find out a thing like that he
said you have no proof it was her proof O yes her aunt was very fond of
oysters but I told her what I thought of her suggesting me to go out to
be alone with her I wouldnt lower myself to spy on them the garters I
found in her room the Friday she was out that was enough for me a little
bit too much her face swelled up on her with temper when I gave her her
weeks notice I saw to that better do without them altogether do out the
rooms myself quicker only for the damn cooking and throwing out the dirt
I gave it to him anyhow either she or me leaves the house I couldnt even
touch him if I thought he was with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven
like that one denying it up to my face and singing about the place in
the W C too because she knew she was too well off yes because he couldnt
possibly do without it that long so he must do it somewhere and the last
time he came on my bottom when was it the night Boylan gave my hand a
great squeeze going along by the Tolka in my hand there steals another
I just pressed the back of his like that with my thumb to squeeze back
singing the young May moon shes beaming love because he has an idea
about him and me hes not such a fool he said Im dining out and going to
the Gaiety though Im not going to give him the satisfaction in any case
God knows hes a change in a way not to be always and ever wearing the
same old hat unless I paid some nicelooking boy to do it since I cant do
it myself a young boy would like me Id confuse him a little alone with
him if we were Id let him see my garters the new ones and make him turn
red looking at him seduce him I know what boys feel with that down
on their cheek doing that frigging drawing out the thing by the hour
question and answer would you do this that and the other with the
coalman yes with a bishop yes I would because I told him about some dean
or bishop was sitting beside me in the jews temples gardens when I was
knitting that woollen thing a stranger to Dublin what place was it and
so on about the monuments and he tired me out with statues encouraging
him making him worse than he is who is in your mind now tell me who are
you thinking of who is it tell me his name who tell me who the german
Emperor is it yes imagine Im him think of him can you feel him trying to
make a whore of me what he never will he ought to give it up now at this
age of his life simply ruination for any woman and no satisfaction in it
pretending to like it till he comes and then finish it off myself anyway
and it makes your lips pale anyhow its done now once and for all with
all the talk of the world about it people make its only the first time
after that its just the ordinary do it and think no more about it why
cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him first you sometimes
love to wildly when you feel that way so nice all over you you cant help
yourself I wish some man or other would take me sometime when hes there
and kiss me in his arms theres nothing like a kiss long and hot down to
your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that confession when I used
to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and what harm if he did
where and I said on the canal bank like a fool but whereabouts on your
person my child on the leg behind high up was it yes rather high up was
it where you sit down yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom right out and
have done with it what has that got to do with it and did you whatever
way he put it I forget no father and I always think of the real father
what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to God he had
a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt mind feeling it neither
would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar I wonder did he know
me in the box I could see his face he couldnt see mine of course hed
never turn or let on still his eyes were red when his father died theyre
lost for a woman of course must be terrible when a man cries let alone
them Id like to be embraced by one in his vestments and the smell of
incense off him like the pope besides theres no danger with a priest if
youre married hes too careful about himself then give something to H
H the pope for a penance I wonder was he satisfied with me one thing I
didnt like his slapping me behind going away so familiarly in the hall
though I laughed Im not a horse or an ass am I I suppose he was thinking
of his fathers I wonder is he awake thinking of me or dreaming am I in
it who gave him that flower he said he bought he smelt of some kind of
drink not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweety kind of paste they stick
their bills up with some liqueur Id like to sip those richlooking green
and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the
opera hats I tasted once with my finger dipped out of that American that
had the squirrel talking stamps with father he had all he could do to
keep himself from falling asleep after the last time after we took the
port and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes because I felt lovely
and tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the moment I popped
straight into bed till that thunder woke me up God be merciful to us
I thought the heavens were coming down about us to punish us when I
blessed myself and said a Hail Mary like those awful thunderbolts in
Gibraltar as if the world was coming to an end and then they come and
tell you theres no God what could you do if it was running and rushing
about nothing only make an act of contrition the candle I lit that
evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the month of May see it brought
its luck though hed scoff if he heard because he never goes to church
mass or meeting he says your soul you have no soul inside only grey
matter because he doesnt know what it is to have one yes when I lit the
lamp because he must have come 3 or 4 times with that tremendous big red
brute of a thing he has I thought the vein or whatever the dickens they
call it was going to burst though his nose is not so big after I took
off all my things with the blinds down after my hours dressing and
perfuming and combing it like iron or some kind of a thick crowbar
standing all the time he must have eaten oysters I think a few dozen he
was in great singing voice no I never in all my life felt anyone had
one the size of that to make you feel full up he must have eaten a whole
sheep after whats the idea making us like that with a big hole in the
middle of us or like a Stallion driving it up into you because thats all
they want out of you with that determined vicious look in his eye I had
to halfshut my eyes still he hasnt such a tremendous amount of spunk in
him when I made him pull out and do it on me considering how big it is
so much the better in case any of it wasnt washed out properly the last
time I let him finish it in me nice invention they made for women for
him to get all the pleasure but if someone gave them a touch of it
themselves theyd know what I went through with Milly nobody would
believe cutting her teeth too and Mina Purefoys husband give us a swing
out of your whiskers filling her up with a child or twins once a year
as regular as the clock always with a smell of children off her the one
they called budgers or something like a nigger with a shock of hair on
it Jesusjack the child is a black the last time I was there a squad of
them falling over one another and bawling you couldnt hear your ears
supposed to be healthy not satisfied till they have us swollen out like
elephants or I dont know what supposing I risked having another not off
him though still if he was married Im sure hed have a fine strong child
but I dont know Poldy has more spunk in him yes thatd be awfully jolly
I suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the funeral and thinking about
me and Boylan set him off well he can think what he likes now if thatll
do him any good I know they were spooning a bit when I came on the scene
he was dancing and sitting out with her the night of Georgina Simpsons
housewarming and then he wanted to ram it down my neck it was on account
of not liking to see her a wallflower that was why we had the standup
row over politics he began it not me when he said about Our Lord being a
carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman is so sensitive about
everything I was fuming with myself after for giving in only for I knew
he was gone on me and the first socialist he said He was he annoyed me
so much I couldnt put him into a temper still he knows a lot of mixedup
things especially about the body and the inside I often wanted to study
up that myself what we have inside us in that family physician I could
always hear his voice talking when the room was crowded and watch him
after that I pretended I had a coolness on with her over him because he
used to be a bit on the jealous side whenever he asked who are you going
to and I said over to Floey and he made me the present of Byron's poems
and the three pairs of gloves so that finished that I could quite easily
get him to make it up any time I know how Id even supposing he got in
with her again and was going out to see her somewhere Id know if he
refused to eat the onions I know plenty of ways ask him to tuck down the
collar of my blouse or touch him with my veil and gloves on going out I
kiss then would send them all spinning however alright well see then let
him go to her she of course would only be too delighted to pretend shes
mad in love with him that I wouldnt so much mind Id just go to her and
ask her do you love him and look her square in the eyes she couldnt fool
me but he might imagine he was and make a declaration to her with his
plabbery kind of a manner like he did to me though I had the devils own
job to get it out of him though I liked him for that it showed he could
hold in and wasnt to be got for the asking he was on the pop of asking
me too the night in the kitchen I was rolling the potato cake theres
something I want to say to you only for I put him off letting on I was
in a temper with my hands and arms full of pasty flour in any case I let
out too much the night before talking of dreams so I didnt want to let
him know more than was good for him she used to be always embracing me
Josie whenever he was there meaning him of course glauming me over and
when I said I washed up and down as far as possible asking me and did
you wash possible the women are always egging on to that putting it on
thick when hes there they know by his sly eye blinking a bit putting on
the indifferent when they come out with something the kind he is what
spoils him I dont wonder in the least because he was very handsome at
that time trying to look like Lord Byron I said I liked though he
was too beautiful for a man and he was a little before we got engaged
afterwards though she didnt like it so much the day I was in fits of
laughing with the giggles I couldnt stop about all my hairpins falling
out one after another with the mass of hair I had youre always in great
humour she said yes because it grigged her because she knew what it
meant because I used to tell her a good bit of what went on between us
not all but just enough to make her mouth water but that wasnt my fault
she didnt darken the door much after we were married I wonder what shes
got like now after living with that dotty husband of hers she had her
face beginning to look drawn and run down the last time I saw her she
must have been just after a row with him because I saw on the moment she
was edging to draw down a conversation about husbands and talk about him
to run him down what was it she told me O yes that sometimes he used to
go to bed with his muddy boots on when the maggot takes him just imagine
having to get into bed with a thing like that that might murder you
any moment what a man well its not the one way everyone goes mad Poldy
anyhow whatever he does always wipes his feet on the mat when he comes
in wet or shine and always blacks his own boots too and he always takes
off his hat when he comes up in the street like then and now hes going
about in his slippers to look for 10000 pounds for a postcard U p up
O sweetheart May wouldnt a thing like that simply bore you stiff to
extinction actually too stupid even to take his boots off now what
could you make of a man like that Id rather die 20 times over than marry
another of their sex of course hed never find another woman like me to
put up with him the way I do know me come sleep with me yes and he knows
that too at the bottom of his heart take that Mrs Maybrick that poisoned
her husband for what I wonder in love with some other man yes it was
found out on her wasnt she the downright villain to go and do a thing
like that of course some men can be dreadfully aggravating drive you mad
and always the worst word in the world what do they ask us to marry them
for if were so bad as all that comes to yes because they cant get on
without us white Arsenic she put in his tea off flypaper wasnt it I
wonder why they call it that if I asked him hed say its from the Greek
leave us as wise as we were before she must have been madly in love with
the other fellow to run the chance of being hanged O she didnt care if
that was her nature what could she do besides theyre not brutes enough
to go and hang a woman surely are they
theyre all so different Boylan talking about the shape of my foot he
noticed at once even before he was introduced when I was in the D B C
with Poldy laughing and trying to listen I was waggling my foot we both
ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw him looking with his
two old maids of sisters when I stood up and asked the girl where it was
what do I care with it dropping out of me and that black closed breeches
he made me buy takes you half an hour to let them down wetting all
myself always with some brandnew fad every other week such a long one I
did I forgot my suede gloves on the seat behind that I never got after
some robber of a woman and he wanted me to put it in the Irish times
lost in the ladies lavatory D B C Dame street finder return to Mrs
Marion Bloom and I saw his eyes on my feet going out through the turning
door he was looking when I looked back and I went there for tea 2 days
after in the hope but he wasnt now how did that excite him because I was
crossing them when we were in the other room first he meant the shoes
that are too tight to walk in my hand is nice like that if I only had a
ring with the stone for my month a nice aquamarine Ill stick him for one
and a gold bracelet I dont like my foot so much still I made him spend
once with my foot the night after Goodwins botchup of a concert so cold
and windy it was well we had that rum in the house to mull and the fire
wasnt black out when he asked to take off my stockings lying on the
hearthrug in Lombard street west and another time it was my muddy boots
hed like me to walk in all the horses dung I could find but of course
hes not natural like the rest of the world that I what did he say I
could give 9 points in 10 to Katty Lanner and beat her what does that
mean I asked him I forget what he said because the stoppress edition
just passed and the man with the curly hair in the Lucan dairy thats so
polite I think I saw his face before somewhere I noticed him when I was
tasting the butter so I took my time Bartell dArcy too that he used to
make fun of when he commenced kissing me on the choir stairs after I
sang Gounods _Ave Maria_ what are we waiting for O my heart kiss me
straight on the brow and part which is my brown part he was pretty hot
for all his tinny voice too my low notes he was always raving about if
you can believe him I liked the way he used his mouth singing then he
said wasnt it terrible to do that there in a place like that I dont see
anything so terrible about it Ill tell him about that some day not now
and surprise him ay and Ill take him there and show him the very place
too we did it so now there you are like it or lump it he thinks nothing
can happen without him knowing he hadnt an idea about my mother till we
were engaged otherwise hed never have got me so cheap as he did he was
lo times worse himself anyhow begging me to give him a tiny bit cut off
my drawers that was the evening coming along Kenilworth square he kissed
me in the eye of my glove and I had to take it off asking me questions
is it permitted to enquire the shape of my bedroom so I let him keep it
as if I forgot it to think of me when I saw him slip it into his pocket
of course hes mad on the subject of drawers thats plain to be seen
always skeezing at those brazenfaced things on the bicycles with their
skirts blowing up to their navels even when Milly and I were out with
him at the open air fete that one in the cream muslin standing right
against the sun so he could see every atom she had on when he saw me
from behind following in the rain I saw him before he saw me however
standing at the corner of the Harolds cross road with a new raincoat on
him with the muffler in the Zingari colours to show off his complexion
and the brown hat looking slyboots as usual what was he doing there
where hed no business they can go and get whatever they like from
anything at all with a skirt on it and were not to ask any questions but
they want to know where were you where are you going I could feel him
coming along skulking after me his eyes on my neck he had been keeping
away from the house he felt it was getting too warm for him so I
halfturned and stopped then he pestered me to say yes till I took off my
glove slowly watching him he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for
the rain anything for an excuse to put his hand anear me drawers drawers
the whole blessed time till I promised to give him the pair off my doll
to carry about in his waistcoat pocket _O Maria Santisima_ he did look
a big fool dreeping in the rain splendid set of teeth he had made me
hungry to look at them and beseeched of me to lift the orange petticoat
I had on with the sunray pleats that there was nobody he said hed kneel
down in the wet if I didnt so persevering he would too and ruin his new
raincoat you never know what freak theyd take alone with you theyre so
savage for it if anyone was passing so I lifted them a bit and touched
his trousers outside the way I used to Gardner after with my ring hand
to keep him from doing worse where it was too public I was dying to find
out was he circumcised he was shaking like a jelly all over they want
to do everything too quick take all the pleasure out of it and father
waiting all the time for his dinner he told me to say I left my purse in
the butchers and had to go back for it what a Deceiver then he wrote me
that letter with all those words in it how could he have the face to any
woman after his company manners making it so awkward after when we met
asking me have I offended you with my eyelids down of course he saw I
wasnt he had a few brains not like that other fool Henny Doyle he was
always breaking or tearing something in the charades I hate an unlucky
man and if I knew what it meant of course I had to say no for form sake
dont understand you I said and wasnt it natural so it is of course
it used to be written up with a picture of a womans on that wall in
Gibraltar with that word I couldnt find anywhere only for children
seeing it too young then writing every morning a letter sometimes twice
a day I liked the way he made love then he knew the way to take a woman
when he sent me the 8 big poppies because mine was the 8th then I wrote
the night he kissed my heart at Dolphins barn I couldnt describe it
simply it makes you feel like nothing on earth but he never knew how to
embrace well like Gardner I hope hell come on Monday as he said at the
same time four I hate people who come at all hours answer the door you
think its the vegetables then its somebody and you all undressed or
the door of the filthy sloppy kitchen blows open the day old frostyface
Goodwin called about the concert in Lombard street and I just after
dinner all flushed and tossed with boiling old stew dont look at me
professor I had to say Im a fright yes but he was a real old gent in his
way it was impossible to be more respectful nobody to say youre out you
have to peep out through the blind like the messengerboy today I thought
it was a putoff first him sending the port and the peaches first and I
was just beginning to yawn with nerves thinking he was trying to make a
fool of me when I knew his tattarrattat at the door he must have been
a bit late because it was l/4 after 3 when I saw the 2 Dedalus girls
coming from school I never know the time even that watch he gave me
never seems to go properly Id want to get it looked after when I threw
the penny to that lame sailor for England home and beauty when I was
whistling there is a charming girl I love and I hadnt even put on my
clean shift or powdered myself or a thing then this day week were to go
to Belfast just as well he has to go to Ennis his fathers anniversary
the 27th it wouldnt be pleasant if he did suppose our rooms at the hotel
were beside each other and any fooling went on in the new bed I couldnt
tell him to stop and not bother me with him in the next room or perhaps
some protestant clergyman with a cough knocking on the wall then hed
never believe the next day we didnt do something its all very well a
husband but you cant fool a lover after me telling him we never did
anything of course he didnt believe me no its better hes going where
he is besides something always happens with him the time going to the
Mallow concert at Maryborough ordering boiling soup for the two of
us then the bell rang out he walks down the platform with the soup
splashing about taking spoonfuls of it hadnt he the nerve and the waiter
after him making a holy show of us screeching and confusion for the
engine to start but he wouldnt pay till he finished it the two gentlemen
in the 3rd class carriage said he was quite right so he was too hes so
pigheaded sometimes when he gets a thing into his head a good job he was
able to open the carriage door with his knife or theyd have taken us on
to Cork I suppose that was done out of revenge on him O I love jaunting
in a train or a car with lovely soft cushions I wonder will he take
a 1st class for me he might want to do it in the train by tipping the
guard well O I suppose therell be the usual idiots of men gaping at
us with their eyes as stupid as ever they can possibly be that was an
exceptional man that common workman that left us alone in the carriage
that day going to Howth Id like to find out something about him l or 2
tunnels perhaps then you have to look out of the window all the nicer
then coming back suppose I never came back what would they say eloped
with him that gets you on on the stage the last concert I sang at where
its over a year ago when was it St Teresas hall Clarendon St little
chits of missies they have now singing Kathleen Kearney and her like
on account of father being in the army and my singing the absentminded
beggar and wearing a brooch for Lord Roberts when I had the map of it
all and Poldy not Irish enough was it him managed it this time I wouldnt
put it past him like he got me on to sing in the _Stabat Mater_ by going
around saying he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put him up to
that till the jesuits found out he was a freemason thumping the piano
lead Thou me on copied from some old opera yes and he was going about
with some of them Sinner Fein lately or whatever they call themselves
talking his usual trash and nonsense he says that little man he showed
me without the neck is very intelligent the coming man Griffiths is he
well he doesnt look it thats all I can say still it must have been him
he knew there was a boycott I hate the mention of their politics after
the war that Pretoria and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein where Gardner lieut
Stanley G 8th Bn 2nd East Lancs Rgt of enteric fever he was a lovely
fellow in khaki and just the right height over me Im sure he was brave
too he said I was lovely the evening we kissed goodbye at the canal lock
my Irish beauty he was pale with excitement about going away or wed be
seen from the road he couldnt stand properly and I so hot as I never
felt they could have made their peace in the beginning or old oom Paul
and the rest of the other old Krugers go and fight it out between them
instead of dragging on for years killing any finelooking men there were
with their fever if he was even decently shot it wouldnt have been so
bad I love to see a regiment pass in review the first time I saw the
Spanish cavalry at La Roque it was lovely after looking across the bay
from Algeciras all the lights of the rock like fireflies or those sham
battles on the 15 acres the Black Watch with their kilts in time at the
march past the 10th hussars the prince of Wales own or the lancers O the
lancers theyre grand or the Dublins that won Tugela his father made his
money over selling the horses for the cavalry well he could buy me a
nice present up in Belfast after what I gave him theyve lovely linen up
there or one of those nice kimono things I must buy a mothball like I
had before to keep in the drawer with them it would be exciting going
round with him shopping buying those things in a new city better leave
this ring behind want to keep turning and turning to get it over the
knuckle there or they might bell it round the town in their papers or
tell the police on me but theyd think were married O let them all go and
smother themselves for the fat lot I care he has plenty of money and hes
not a marrying man so somebody better get it out of him if I could find
out whether he likes me I looked a bit washy of course when I looked
close in the handglass powdering a mirror never gives you the expression
besides scrooching down on me like that all the time with his big
hipbones hes heavy too with his hairy chest for this heat always having
to lie down for them better for him put it into me from behind the way
Mrs Mastiansky told me her husband made her like the dogs do it and
stick out her tongue as far as ever she could and he so quiet and mild
with his tingating cither can you ever be up to men the way it takes
them lovely stuff in that blue suit he had on and stylish tie and socks
with the skyblue silk things on them hes certainly well off I know by
the cut his clothes have and his heavy watch but he was like a perfect
devil for a few minutes after he came back with the stoppress tearing up
the tickets and swearing blazes because he lost 20 quid he said he lost
over that outsider that won and half he put on for me on account of
Lenehans tip cursing him to the lowest pits that sponger he was making
free with me after the Glencree dinner coming back that long joult over
the featherbed mountain after the lord Mayor looking at me with his
dirty eyes Val Dillon that big heathen I first noticed him at dessert
when I was cracking the nuts with my teeth I wished I could have picked
every morsel of that chicken out of my fingers it was so tasty
and browned and as tender as anything only for I didnt want to eat
everything on my plate those forks and fishslicers were hallmarked
silver too I wish I had some I could easily have slipped a couple into
my muff when I was playing with them then always hanging out of them for
money in a restaurant for the bit you put down your throat we have to
be thankful for our mangy cup of tea itself as a great compliment to be
noticed the way the world is divided in any case if its going to go on I
want at least two other good chemises for one thing and but I dont know
what kind of drawers he likes none at all I think didnt he say yes and
half the girls in Gibraltar never wore them either naked as God made
them that Andalusian singing her Manola she didnt make much secret of
what she hadnt yes and the second pair of silkette stockings is laddered
after one days wear I could have brought them back to Lewers this
morning and kicked up a row and made that one change them only not to
upset myself and run the risk of walking into him and ruining the whole
thing and one of those kidfitting corsets Id want advertised cheap in
the Gentlewoman with elastic gores on the hips he saved the one I have
but thats no good what did they say they give a delightful figure line
11/6 obviating that unsightly broad appearance across the lower back to
reduce flesh my belly is a bit too big Ill have to knock off the
stout at dinner or am I getting too fond of it the last they sent from
ORourkes was as flat as a pancake he makes his money easy Larry they
call him the old mangy parcel he sent at Xmas a cottage cake and a
bottle of hogwash he tried to palm off as claret that he couldnt get
anyone to drink God spare his spit for fear hed die of the drouth or
I must do a few breathing exercises I wonder is that antifat any good
might overdo it the thin ones are not so much the fashion now garters
that much I have the violet pair I wore today thats all he bought me
out of the cheque he got on the first O no there was the face lotion
I finished the last of yesterday that made my skin like new I told him
over and over again get that made up in the same place and dont forget
it God only knows whether he did after all I said to him 111 know by
the bottle anyway if not I suppose 111 only have to wash in my piss like
beeftea or chickensoup with some of that opoponax and violet I thought
it was beginning to look coarse or old a bit the skin underneath is much
finer where it peeled off there on my finger after the burn its a pity
it isnt all like that and the four paltry handkerchiefs about 6/- in all
sure you cant get on in this world without style all going in food and
rent when I get it Ill lash it around I tell you in fine style I always
want to throw a handful of tea into the pot measuring and mincing if
I buy a pair of old brogues itself do you like those new shoes yes how
much were they Ive no clothes at all the brown costume and the skirt and
jacket and the one at the cleaners 3 whats that for any woman cutting
up this old hat and patching up the other the men wont look at you and
women try to walk on you because they know youve no man then with all
the things getting dearer every day for the 4 years more I have of life
up to 35 no Im what am I at all 111 be 33 in September will I what O
well look at that Mrs Galbraith shes much older than me I saw her when
I was out last week her beautys on the wane she was a lovely woman
magnificent head of hair on her down to her waist tossing it back like
that like Kitty OShea in Grantham street 1st thing I did every morning
to look across see her combing it as if she loved it and was full of it
pity I only got to know her the day before we left and that Mrs Langtry
the jersey lily the prince of Wales was in love with I suppose hes like
the first man going the roads only for the name of a king theyre all
made the one way only a black mans Id like to try a beauty up to what
was she 45 there was some funny story about the jealous old husband what
was it at all and an oyster knife he went no he made her wear a kind
of a tin thing round her and the prince of Wales yes he had the oyster
knife cant be true a thing like that like some of those books he brings
me the works of Master Francois Somebody supposed to be a priest about
a child born out of her ear because her bumgut fell out a nice word for
any priest to write and her a--e as if any fool wouldnt know what that
meant I hate that pretending of all things with that old blackguards
face on him anybody can see its not true and that Ruby and Fair Tyrants
he brought me that twice I remember when I came to page 5 o the part
about where she hangs him up out of a hook with a cord flagellate
sure theres nothing for a woman in that all invention made up about he
drinking the champagne out of her slipper after the ball was over like
the infant Jesus in the crib at Inchicore in the Blessed Virgins arms
sure no woman could have a child that big taken out of her and I thought
first it came out of her side because how could she go to the chamber
when she wanted to and she a rich lady of course she felt honoured H R H
he was in Gibraltar the year I was born I bet he found lilies there too
where he planted the tree he planted more than that in his time he might
have planted me too if hed come a bit sooner then I wouldnt be here as
I am he ought to chuck that Freeman with the paltry few shillings
he knocks out of it and go into an office or something where hed get
regular pay or a bank where they could put him up on a throne to count
the money all the day of course he prefers plottering about the house
so you cant stir with him any side whats your programme today I wish hed
even smoke a pipe like father to get the smell of a man or pretending
to be mooching about for advertisements when he could have been in Mr
Cuffes still only for what he did then sending me to try and patch it up
I could have got him promoted there to be the manager he gave me a great
mirada once or twice first he was as stiff as the mischief really and
truly Mrs Bloom only I felt rotten simply with the old rubbishy dress
that I lost the leads out of the tails with no cut in it but theyre
coming into fashion again I bought it simply to please him I knew it was
no good by the finish pity I changed my mind of going to Todd and Bums
as I said and not Lees it was just like the shop itself rummage sale a
lot of trash I hate those rich shops get on your nerves nothing kills me
altogether only he thinks he knows a great lot about a womans dress and
cooking mathering everything he can scour off the shelves into it if
I went by his advices every blessed hat I put on does that suit me yes
take that thats alright the one like a weddingcake standing up miles
off my head he said suited me or the dishcover one coming down on my
backside on pins and needles about the shopgirl in that place in Grafton
street I had the misfortune to bring him into and she as insolent as
ever she could be with her smirk saying Im afraid were giving you too
much trouble what shes there for but I stared it out of her yes he was
awfully stiff and no wonder but he changed the second time he looked
Poldy pigheaded as usual like the soup but I could see him looking very
hard at my chest when he stood up to open the door for me it was nice of
him to show me out in any case Im extremely sorry Mrs Bloom believe me
without making it too marked the first time after him being insulted and
me being supposed to be his wife I just half smiled I know my chest was
out that way at the door when he said Im extremely sorry and Im sure you
were
yes I think he made them a bit firmer sucking them like that so long he
made me thirsty titties he calls them I had to laugh yes this one anyhow
stiff the nipple gets for the least thing Ill get him to keep that up
and Ill take those eggs beaten up with marsala fatten them out for him
what are all those veins and things curious the way its made 2 the same
in case of twins theyre supposed to represent beauty placed up there
like those statues in the museum one of them pretending to hide it with
her hand are they so beautiful of course compared with what a man looks
like with his two bags full and his other thing hanging down out of
him or sticking up at you like a hatrack no wonder they hide it with a
cabbageleaf that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the meat market or
that other wretch with the red head behind the tree where the statue
of the fish used to be when I was passing pretending he was pissing
standing out for me to see it with his babyclothes up to one side the
Queens own they were a nice lot its well the Surreys relieved them
theyre always trying to show it to you every time nearly I passed
outside the mens greenhouse near the Harcourt street station just to
try some fellow or other trying to catch my eye as if it was I of the
7 wonders of the world O and the stink of those rotten places the night
coming home with Poldy after the Comerfords party oranges and lemonade
to make you feel nice and watery I went into r of them it was so biting
cold I couldnt keep it when was that 93 the canal was frozen yes it was
a few months after a pity a couple of the Camerons werent there to see
me squatting in the mens place meadero I tried to draw a picture of
it before I tore it up like a sausage or something I wonder theyre not
afraid going about of getting a kick or a bang of something there the
woman is beauty of course thats admitted when he said I could pose for a
picture naked to some rich fellow in Holles street when he lost the
job in Helys and I was selling the clothes and strumming in the coffee
palace would I be like that bath of the nymph with my hair down yes only
shes younger or Im a little like that dirty bitch in that Spanish photo
he has nymphs used they go about like that I asked him about her and
that word met something with hoses in it and he came out with some
jawbreakers about the incarnation he never can explain a thing simply
the way a body can understand then he goes and burns the bottom out of
the pan all for his Kidney this one not so much theres the mark of his
teeth still where he tried to bite the nipple I had to scream out arent
they fearful trying to hurt you I had a great breast of milk with Milly
enough for two what was the reason of that he said I could have got a
pound a week as a wet nurse all swelled out the morning that delicate
looking student that stopped in no 28 with the Citrons Penrose nearly
caught me washing through the window only for I snapped up the towel to
my face that was his studenting hurt me they used to weaning her till he
got doctor Brady to give me the belladonna prescription I had to get him
to suck them they were so hard he said it was sweeter and thicker than
cows then he wanted to milk me into the tea well hes beyond everything I
declare somebody ought to put him in the budget if I only could remember
the I half of the things and write a book out of it the works of Master
Poldy yes and its so much smoother the skin much an hour he was at them
Im sure by the clock like some kind of a big infant I had at me they
want everything in their mouth all the pleasure those men get out of a
woman I can feel his mouth O Lord I must stretch myself I wished he was
here or somebody to let myself go with and come again like that I feel
all fire inside me or if I could dream it when he made me spend the 2nd
time tickling me behind with his finger I was coming for about 5 minutes
with my legs round him I had to hug him after O Lord I wanted to shout
out all sorts of things fuck or shit or anything at all only not to look
ugly or those lines from the strain who knows the way hed take it you
want to feel your way with a man theyre not all like him thank God some
of them want you to be so nice about it I noticed the contrast he does
it and doesnt talk I gave my eyes that look with my hair a bit loose
from the tumbling and my tongue between my lips up to him the savage
brute Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday three O Lord I cant wait
till Monday
frseeeeeeeefronnnng train somewhere whistling the strength those engines
have in them like big giants and the water rolling all over and out of
them all sides like the end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor men
that have to be out all the night from their wives and families in those
roasting engines stifling it was today Im glad I burned the half of
those old Freemans and Photo Bits leaving things like that lying about
hes getting very careless and threw the rest of them up in the W C 111
get him to cut them tomorrow for me instead of having them there for
the next year to get a few pence for them have him asking wheres last
Januarys paper and all those old overcoats I bundled out of the hall
making the place hotter than it is that rain was lovely and refreshing
just after my beauty sleep I thought it was going to get like Gibraltar
my goodness the heat there before the levanter came on black as night
and the glare of the rock standing up in it like a big giant compared
with their 3 Rock mountain they think is so great with the red sentries
here and there the poplars and they all whitehot and the smell of the
rainwater in those tanks watching the sun all the time weltering down on
you faded all that lovely frock fathers friend Mrs Stanhope sent me from
the B Marche paris what a shame my dearest Doggerina she wrote on it
she was very nice whats this her other name was just a p c to tell you I
sent the little present have just had a jolly warm bath and feel a very
clean dog now enjoyed it wogger she called him wogger wd give anything
to be back in Gib and hear you sing Waiting and in old Madrid Concone
is the name of those exercises he bought me one of those new some word
I couldnt make out shawls amusing things but tear for the least thing
still there lovely I think dont you will always think of the lovely teas
we had together scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore
well now dearest Doggerina be sure and write soon kind she left out
regards to your father also captain Grove with love yrs affly Hester x
x x x x she didnt look a bit married just like a girl he was years older
than her wogger he was awfully fond of me when he held down the wire
with his foot for me to step over at the bullfight at La Linea when
that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear these clothes we have to wear
whoever invented them expecting you to walk up Killiney hill then for
example at that picnic all staysed up you cant do a blessed thing in
them in a crowd run or jump out of the way thats why I was afraid when
that other ferocious old Bull began to charge the banderilleros with
the sashes and the 2 things in their hats and the brutes of men shouting
bravo toro sure the women were as bad in their nice white mantillas
ripping all the whole insides out of those poor horses I never heard of
such a thing in all my life yes he used to break his heart at me taking
off the dog barking in bell lane poor brute and it sick what became
of them ever I suppose theyre dead long ago the 2 of them its like all
through a mist makes you feel so old I made the scones of course I had
everything all to myself then a girl Hester we used to compare our hair
mine was thicker than hers she showed me how to settle it at the back
when I put it up and whats this else how to make a knot on a thread with
the one hand we were like cousins what age was I then the night of the
storm I slept in her bed she had her arms round me then we were fighting
in the morning with the pillow what fun he was watching me whenever he
got an opportunity at the band on the Alameda esplanade when I was with
father and captain Grove I looked up at the church first and then at the
windows then down and our eyes met I felt something go through me like
all needles my eyes were dancing I remember after when I looked
at myself in the glass hardly recognised myself the change he was
attractive to a girl in spite of his being a little bald intelligent
looking disappointed and gay at the same time he was like Thomas in
the shadow of Ashlydyat I had a splendid skin from the sun and the
excitement like a rose I didnt get a wink of sleep it wouldnt have been
nice on account of her but I could have stopped it in time she gave me
the Moonstone to read that was the first I read of Wilkie Collins East
Lynne I read and the shadow of Ashlydyat Mrs Henry Wood Henry Dunbar by
that other woman I lent him afterwards with Mulveys photo in it so as he
see I wasnt without and Lord Lytton Eugene Aram Molly bawn she gave me
by Mrs Hungerford on account of the name I dont like books with a Molly
in them like that one he brought me about the one from Flanders a whore
always shoplifting anything she could cloth and stuff and yards of it
O this blanket is too heavy on me thats better I havent even one decent
nightdress this thing gets all rolled under me besides him and his
fooling thats better I used to be weltering then in the heat my shift
drenched with the sweat stuck in the cheeks of my bottom on the chair
when I stood up they were so fattish and firm when I got up on the sofa
cushions to see with my clothes up and the bugs tons of them at night
and the mosquito nets I couldnt read a line Lord how long ago it seems
centuries of course they never came back and she didnt put her address
right on it either she may have noticed her wogger people were always
going away and we never I remember that day with the waves and the
boats with their high heads rocking and the smell of ship those Officers
uniforms on shore leave made me seasick he didnt say anything he was
very serious I had the high buttoned boots on and my skirt was blowing
she kissed me six or seven times didnt I cry yes I believe I did or near
it my lips were taittering when I said goodbye she had a Gorgeous wrap
of some special kind of blue colour on her for the voyage made very
peculiarly to one side like and it was extremely pretty it got as dull
as the devil after they went I was almost planning to run away mad out
of it somewhere were never easy where we are father or aunt or marriage
waiting always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me waiting nor speeeed
his flying feet their damn guns bursting and booming all over the shop
especially the Queens birthday and throwing everything down in all
directions if you didnt open the windows when general Ulysses Grant
whoever he was or did supposed to be some great fellow landed off the
ship and old Sprague the consul that was there from before the flood
dressed up poor man and he in mourning for the son then the same old
bugles for reveille in the morning and drums rolling and the unfortunate
poor devils of soldiers walking about with messtins smelling the place
more than the old longbearded jews in their jellibees and levites
assembly and sound clear and gunfire for the men to cross the lines and
the warden marching with his keys to lock the gates and the bagpipes and
only captain Groves and father talking about Rorkes drift and Plevna and
sir Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at Khartoum lighting their pipes for
them everytime they went out drunken old devil with his grog on the
windowsill catch him leaving any of it picking his nose trying to think
of some other dirty story to tell up in a corner but he never forgot
himself when I was there sending me out of the room on some blind excuse
paying his compliments the Bushmills whisky talking of course but hed
do the same to the next woman that came along I suppose he died of
galloping drink ages ago the days like years not a letter from a living
soul except the odd few I posted to myself with bits of paper in them so
bored sometimes I could fight with my nails listening to that old Arab
with the one eye and his heass of an instrument singing his heah heah
aheah all my compriments on your hotchapotch of your heass as bad as now
with the hands hanging off me looking out of the window if there was a
nice fellow even in the opposite house that medical in Holles street the
nurse was after when I put on my gloves and hat at the window to show
I was going out not a notion what I meant arent they thick never
understand what you say even youd want to print it up on a big poster
for them not even if you shake hands twice with the left he didnt
recognise me either when I half frowned at him outside Westland row
chapel where does their great intelligence come in Id like to know
grey matter they have it all in their tail if you ask me those country
gougers up in the City Arms intelligence they had a damn sight less than
the bulls and cows they were selling the meat and the coalmans bell that
noisy bugger trying to swindle me with the wrong bill he took out of his
hat what a pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken
bottles for a poor man today and no visitors or post ever except his
cheques or some advertisement like that wonderworker they sent him
addressed dear Madam only his letter and the card from Milly this
morning see she wrote a letter to him who did I get the last letter from
O Mrs Dwenn now what possessed her to write from Canada after so many
years to know the recipe I had for pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since
she wrote to say she was married to a very rich architect if Im to
believe all I hear with a villa and eight rooms her father was an
awfully nice man he was near seventy always goodhumoured well now Miss
Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the piannyer that was a solid silver
coffee service he had too on the mahogany sideboard then dying so far
away I hate people that have always their poor story to tell everybody
has their own troubles that poor Nancy Blake died a month ago of acute
neumonia well I didnt know her so well as all that she was Floeys friend
more than mine poor Nancy its a bother having to answer he always tells
me the wrong things and no stops to say like making a speech your sad
bereavement symphathy I always make that mistake and newphew with 2
double yous in I hope hell write me a longer letter the next time if its
a thing he really likes me O thanks be to the great God I got somebody
to give me what I badly wanted to put some heart up into me youve no
chances at all in this place like you used long ago I wish somebody
would write me a loveletter his wasnt much and I told him he could write
what he liked yours ever Hugh Boylan in old Madrid stuff silly women
believe love is sighing I am dying still if he wrote it I suppose thered
be some truth in it true or no it fills up your whole day and life
always something to think about every moment and see it all round you
like a new world I could write the answer in bed to let him imagine me
short just a few words not those long crossed letters Atty Dillon used
to write to the fellow that was something in the four courts that jilted
her after out of the ladies letterwriter when I told her to say a few
simple words he could twist how he liked not acting with precipat precip
itancy with equal candour the greatest earthly happiness answer to a
gentlemans proposal affirmatively my goodness theres nothing else its
all very fine for them but as for being a woman as soon as youre old
they might as well throw you out in the bottom of the ashpit.
Mulveys was the first when I was in bed that morning and Mrs Rubio
brought it in with the coffee she stood there standing when I asked her
to hand me and I pointing at them I couldnt think of the word a hairpin
to open it with ah horquilla disobliging old thing and it staring her
in the face with her switch of false hair on her and vain about her
appearance ugly as she was near 80 or a loo her face a mass of wrinkles
with all her religion domineering because she never could get over the
Atlantic fleet coming in half the ships of the world and the Union Jack
flying with all her carabineros because 4 drunken English sailors took
all the rock from them and because I didnt run into mass often enough in
Santa Maria to please her with her shawl up on her except when there was
a marriage on with all her miracles of the saints and her black blessed
virgin with the silver dress and the sun dancing 3 times on Easter
Sunday morning and when the priest was going by with the bell bringing
the vatican to the dying blessing herself for his Majestad an admirer
he signed it I near jumped out of my skin I wanted to pick him up when
I saw him following me along the Calle Real in the shop window then
he tipped me just in passing but I never thought hed write making an
appointment I had it inside my petticoat bodice all day reading it up
in every hole and corner while father was up at the drill instructing to
find out by the handwriting or the language of stamps singing I remember
shall I wear a white rose and I wanted to put on the old stupid clock to
near the time he was the first man kissed me under the Moorish wall my
sweetheart when a boy it never entered my head what kissing meant till
he put his tongue in my mouth his mouth was sweetlike young I put my
knee up to him a few times to learn the way what did I tell him I was
engaged for for fun to the son of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel de
la Flora and he believed me that I was to be married to him in 3 years
time theres many a true word spoken in jest there is a flower that
bloometh a few things I told him true about myself just for him to be
imagining the Spanish girls he didnt like I suppose one of them wouldnt
have him I got him excited he crushed all the flowers on my bosom he
brought me he couldnt count the pesetas and the perragordas till I
taught him Cappoquin he came from he said on the black water but it was
too short then the day before he left May yes it was May when the infant
king of Spain was born Im always like that in the spring Id like a new
fellow every year up on the tiptop under the rockgun near OHaras tower
I told him it was struck by lightning and all about the old Barbary apes
they sent to Clapham without a tail careering all over the show on each
others back Mrs Rubio said she was a regular old rock scorpion robbing
the chickens out of Inces farm and throw stones at you if you went anear
he was looking at me I had that white blouse on open in the front to
encourage him as much as I could without too openly they were just
beginning to be plump I said I was tired we lay over the firtree cove
a wild place I suppose it must be the highest rock in existence the
galleries and casemates and those frightful rocks and Saint Michaels
cave with the icicles or whatever they call them hanging down and
ladders all the mud plotching my boots Im sure thats the way down the
monkeys go under the sea to Africa when they die the ships out far like
chips that was the Malta boat passing yes the sea and the sky you could
do what you liked lie there for ever he caressed them outside they love
doing that its the roundness there I was leaning over him with my white
ricestraw hat to take the newness out of it the left side of my face the
best my blouse open for his last day transparent kind of shirt he had I
could see his chest pink he wanted to touch mine with his for a moment
but I wouldnt lee him he was awfully put out first for fear you never
know consumption or leave me with a child embarazada that old servant
Ines told me that one drop even if it got into you at all after I tried
with the Banana but I was afraid it might break and get lost up in me
somewhere because they once took something down out of a woman that was
up there for years covered with limesalts theyre all mad to get in there
where they come out of youd think they could never go far enough up and
then theyre done with you in a way till the next time yes because theres
a wonderful feeling there so tender all the time how did we finish it
off yes O yes I pulled him off into my handkerchief pretending not to
be excited but I opened my legs I wouldnt let him touch me inside my
petticoat because I had a skirt opening up the side I tormented the
life out of him first tickling him I loved rousing that dog in the hotel
rrrsssstt awokwokawok his eyes shut and a bird flying below us he was
shy all the same I liked him like that moaning I made him blush a little
when I got over him that way when I unbuttoned him and took his out and
drew back the skin it had a kind of eye in it theyre all Buttons men
down the middle on the wrong side of them Molly darling he called me
what was his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it yes I think a lieutenant
he was rather fair he had a laughing kind of a voice so I went round to
the whatyoucallit everything was whatyoucallit moustache had he he said
hed come back Lord its just like yesterday to me and if I was married
hed do it to me and I promised him yes faithfully Id let him block me
now flying perhaps hes dead or killed or a captain or admiral its nearly
20 years if I said firtree cove he would if he came up behind me and
put his hands over my eyes to guess who I might recognise him hes young
still about 40 perhaps hes married some girl on the black water and is
quite changed they all do they havent half the character a woman has she
little knows what I did with her beloved husband before he ever dreamt
of her in broad daylight too in the sight of the whole world you might
say they could have put an article about it in the Chronicle I was a bit
wild after when I blew out the old bag the biscuits were in from Benady
Bros and exploded it Lord what a bang all the woodcocks and pigeons
screaming coming back the same way that we went over middle hill round
by the old guardhouse and the jews burialplace pretending to read out
the Hebrew on them I wanted to fire his pistol he said he hadnt one he
didnt know what to make of me with his peak cap on that he always wore
crooked as often as I settled it straight H M S Calypso swinging my hat
that old Bishop that spoke off the altar his long preach about womans
higher functions about girls now riding the bicycle and wearing peak
caps and the new woman bloomers God send him sense and me more money I
suppose theyre called after him I never thought that would be my
name Bloom when I used to write it in print to see how it looked on a
visiting card or practising for the butcher and oblige M Bloom youre
looking blooming Josie used to say after I married him well its better
than Breen or Briggs does brig or those awful names with bottom in them
Mrs Ramsbottom or some other kind of a bottom Mulvey I wouldnt go mad
about either or suppose I divorced him Mrs Boylan my mother whoever she
was might have given me a nicer name the Lord knows after the lovely
one she had Lunita Laredo the fun we had running along Williss road to
Europa point twisting in and out all round the other side of Jersey they
were shaking and dancing about in my blouse like Millys little ones now
when she runs up the stairs I loved looking down at them I was jumping
up at the pepper trees and the white poplars pulling the leaves off and
throwing them at him he went to India he was to write the voyages those
men have to make to the ends of the world and back its the least they
might get a squeeze or two at a woman while they can going out to be
drowned or blown up somewhere I went up Windmill hill to the flats
that Sunday morning with captain Rubios that was dead spyglass like the
sentry had he said hed have one or two from on board I wore that frock
from the B Marche paris and the coral necklace the straits shining I
could see over to Morocco almost the bay of Tangier white and the Atlas
mountain with snow on it and the straits like a river so clear Harry
Molly darling I was thinking of him on the sea all the time after at
mass when my petticoat began to slip down at the elevation weeks and
weeks I kept the handkerchief under my pillow for the smell of him there
was no decent perfume to be got in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau
dEspagne that faded and left a stink on you more than anything else I
wanted to give him a memento he gave me that clumsy Claddagh ring for
luck that I gave Gardner going to south Africa where those Boers killed
him with their war and fever but they were well beaten all the same as
if it brought its bad luck with it like an opal or pearl still it must
have been pure 18 carrot gold because it was very heavy but what could
you get in a place like that the sandfrog shower from Africa and that
derelict ship that came up to the harbour Marie the Marie whatyoucallit
no he hadnt a moustache that was Gardner yes I can see his face
cleanshaven Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that train again weeping tone
once in the dear deaead days beyondre call close my eyes breath my lips
forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the world the mists began
I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let that out
full when I get in front of the footlights again Kathleen Kearney
and her lot of squealers Miss This Miss That Miss Theother lot of
sparrowfarts skitting around talking about politics they know as much
about as my backside anything in the world to make themselves someway
interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers daughter am I ay and whose
are you bootmakers and publicans I beg your pardon coach I thought you
were a wheelbarrow theyd die down dead off their feet if ever they got
a chance of walking down the Alameda on an officers arm like me on the
bandnight my eyes flash my bust that they havent passion God help their
poor head I knew more about men and life when I was I S than theyll all
know at 50 they dont know how to sing a song like that Gardner said no
man could look at my mouth and teeth smiling like that and not think of
it I was afraid he mightnt like my accent first he so English all father
left me in spite of his stamps Ive my mothers eyes and figure anyhow
he always said theyre so snotty about themselves some of those cads he
wasnt a bit like that he was dead gone on my lips let them get a husband
first thats fit to be looked at and a daughter like mine or see if they
can excite a swell with money that can pick and choose whoever he wants
like Boylan to do it 4 or 5 times locked in each others arms or the
voice either I could have been a prima donna only I married him comes
looooves old deep down chin back not too much make it double My Ladys
Bower is too long for an encore about the moated grange at twilight and
vaunted rooms yes Ill sing Winds that blow from the south that he gave
after the choirstairs performance Ill change that lace on my black dress
to show off my bubs and Ill yes by God Ill get that big fan mended make
them burst with envy my hole is itching me always when I think of him I
feel I want to I feel some wind in me better go easy not wake him have
him at it again slobbering after washing every bit of myself back belly
and sides if we had even a bath itself or my own room anyway I wish hed
sleep in some bed by himself with his cold feet on me give us room even
to let a fart God or do the least thing better yes hold them like that
a bit on my side piano quietly sweeeee theres that train far away
pianissimo eeeee one more song
that was a relief wherever you be let your wind go free who knows if
that pork chop I took with my cup of tea after was quite good with the
heat I couldnt smell anything off it Im sure that queerlooking man in
the porkbutchers is a great rogue I hope that lamp is not smoking fill
my nose up with smuts better than having him leaving the gas on all
night I couldnt rest easy in my bed in Gibraltar even getting up to see
why am I so damned nervous about that though I like it in the winter its
more company O Lord it was rotten cold too that winter when I was
only about ten was I yes I had the big doll with all the funny clothes
dressing her up and undressing that icy wind skeeting across from those
mountains the something Nevada sierra nevada standing at the fire with
the little bit of a short shift I had up to heat myself I loved dancing
about in it then make a race back into bed Im sure that fellow opposite
used to be there the whole time watching with the lights out in the
summer and I in my skin hopping around I used to love myself then
stripped at the washstand dabbing and creaming only when it came to the
chamber performance I put out the light too so then there were 2 of us
goodbye to my sleep for this night anyhow I hope hes not going to get in
with those medicals leading him astray to imagine hes young again coming
in at 4 in the morning it must be if not more still he had the manners
not to wake me what do they find to gabber about all night squandering
money and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he
starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea and Findon haddy and hot
buttered toast I suppose well have him sitting up like the king of
the country pumping the wrong end of the spoon up and down in his egg
wherever he learned that from and I love to hear him falling up the
stairs of a morning with the cups rattling on the tray and then play
with the cat she rubs up against you for her own sake I wonder has she
fleas shes as bad as a woman always licking and lecking but I hate their
claws I wonder do they see anything that we cant staring like that when
she sits at the top of the stairs so long and listening as I wait always
what a robber too that lovely fresh place I bought I think Ill get a bit
of fish tomorrow or today is it Friday yes I will with some blancmange
with black currant jam like long ago not those 2 lb pots of mixed plum
and apple from the London and Newcastle Williams and Woods goes twice as
far only for the bones I hate those eels cod yes Ill get a nice piece
of cod Im always getting enough for 3 forgetting anyway Im sick of that
everlasting butchers meat from Buckleys loin chops and leg beef and rib
steak and scrag of mutton and calfs pluck the very name is enough or
a picnic suppose we all gave 5/- each and or let him pay it and invite
some other woman for him who Mrs Fleming and drove out to the furry glen
or the strawberry beds wed have him examining all the horses toenails
first like he does with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with
some cold veal and ham mixed sandwiches there are little houses down
at the bottom of the banks there on purpose but its as hot as blazes he
says not a bank holiday anyhow I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coalboxes
out for the day Whit Monday is a cursed day too no wonder that bee bit
him better the seaside but Id never again in this life get into a boat
with him after him at Bray telling the boatman he knew how to row if
anyone asked could he ride the steeplechase for the gold cup hed say
yes then it came on to get rough the old thing crookeding about and the
weight all down my side telling me pull the right reins now pull the
left and the tide all swamping in floods in through the bottom and his
oar slipping out of the stirrup its a mercy we werent all drowned he can
swim of course me no theres no danger whatsoever keep yourself calm in
his flannel trousers Id like to have tattered them down off him before
all the people and give him what that one calls flagellate till he was
black and blue do him all the good in the world only for that longnosed
chap I dont know who he is with that other beauty Burke out of the City
Arms hotel was there spying around as usual on the slip always where he
wasnt wanted if there was a row on youd vomit a better face there was no
love lost between us thats 1 consolation I wonder what kind is that book
he brought me Sweets of Sin by a gentleman of fashion some other Mr de
Kock I suppose the people gave him that nickname going about with his
tube from one woman to another I couldnt even change my new white shoes
all ruined with the saltwater and the hat I had with that feather all
blowy and tossed on me how annoying and provoking because the smell of
the sea excited me of course the sardines and the bream in Catalan bay
round the back of the rock they were fine all silver in the fishermens
baskets old Luigi near a hundred they said came from Genoa and the tall
old chap with the earrings I dont like a man you have to climb up to to
get at I suppose theyre all dead and rotten long ago besides I dont like
being alone in this big barracks of a place at night I suppose Ill have
to put up with it I never brought a bit of salt in even when we moved
in the confusion musical academy he was going to make on the first floor
drawingroom with a brassplate or Blooms private hotel he suggested go
and ruin himself altogether the way his father did down in Ennis like
all the things he told father he was going to do and me but I saw
through him telling me all the lovely places we could go for the
honeymoon Venice by moonlight with the gondolas and the lake of Como he
had a picture cut out of some paper of and mandolines and lanterns O
how nice I said whatever I liked he was going to do immediately if
not sooner will you be my man will you carry my can he ought to get a
leather medal with a putty rim for all the plans he invents then leaving
us here all day youd never know what old beggar at the door for a crust
with his long story might be a tramp and put his foot in the way to
prevent me shutting it like that picture of that hardened criminal he
was called in Lloyds Weekly news 20 years in jail then he comes out and
murders an old woman for her money imagine his poor wife or mother or
whoever she is such a face youd run miles away from I couldnt rest easy
till I bolted all the doors and windows to make sure but its worse again
being locked up like in a prison or a madhouse they ought to be all shot
or the cat of nine tails a big brute like that that would attack a poor
old woman to murder her in her bed Id cut them off him so I would not
that hed be much use still better than nothing the night I was sure
I heard burglars in the kitchen and he went down in his shirt with a
candle and a poker as if he was looking for a mouse as white as a sheet
frightened out of his wits making as much noise as he possibly could
for the burglars benefit there isnt much to steal indeed the Lord knows
still its the feeling especially now with Milly away such an idea for
him to send the girl down there to learn to take photographs on account
of his grandfather instead of sending her to Skerrys academy where shed
have to learn not like me getting all IS at school only hed do a thing
like that all the same on account of me and Boylan thats why he did
it Im certain the way he plots and plans everything out I couldnt turn
round with her in the place lately unless I bolted the door first gave
me the fidgets coming in without knocking first when I put the chair
against the door just as I was washing myself there below with the glove
get on your nerves then doing the loglady all day put her in a glasscase
with two at a time to look at her if he knew she broke off the hand off
that little gimcrack statue with her roughness and carelessness before
she left that I got that little Italian boy to mend so that you cant
see the join for 2 shillings wouldnt even teem the potatoes for you of
course shes right not to ruin her hands I noticed he was always talking
to her lately at the table explaining things in the paper and she
pretending to understand sly of course that comes from his side of the
house he cant say I pretend things can he Im too honest as a matter of
fact and helping her into her coat but if there was anything wrong with
her its me shed tell not him I suppose he thinks Im finished out and
laid on the shelf well Im not no nor anything like it well see well see
now shes well on for flirting too with Tom Devans two sons imitating
me whistling with those romps of Murray girls calling for her can Milly
come out please shes in great demand to pick what they can out of her
round in Nelson street riding Harry Devans bicycle at night its as well
he sent her where she is she was just getting out of bounds wanting to
go on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose I
smelt it off her dress when I was biting off the thread of the button
I sewed on to the bottom of her jacket she couldnt hide much from me I
tell you only I oughtnt to have stitched it and it on her it brings a
parting and the last plumpudding too split in 2 halves see it comes out
no matter what they say her tongue is a bit too long for my taste
your blouse is open too low she says to me the pan calling the kettle
blackbottom and I had to tell her not to cock her legs up like that on
show on the windowsill before all the people passing they all look at
her like me when I was her age of course any old rag looks well on
you then a great touchmenot too in her own way at the Only Way in the
Theatre royal take your foot away out of that I hate people touching
me afraid of her life Id crush her skirt with the pleats a lot of that
touching must go on in theatres in the crush in the dark theyre always
trying to wiggle up to you that fellow in the pit at the Gaiety for
Beerbohm Tree in Trilby the last time Ill ever go there to be squashed
like that for any Trilby or her barebum every two minutes tipping me
there and looking away hes a bit daft I think I saw him after trying to
get near two stylishdressed ladies outside Switzers window at the same
little game I recognised him on the moment the face and everything but
he didnt remember me yes and she didnt even want me to kiss her at the
Broadstone going away well I hope shell get someone to dance attendance
on her the way I did when she was down with the mumps and her glands
swollen wheres this and wheres that of course she cant feel anything
deep yet I never came properly till I was what 22 or so it went into the
wrong place always only the usual girls nonsense and giggling that
Conny Connolly writing to her in white ink on black paper sealed with
sealingwax though she clapped when the curtain came down because he
looked so handsome then we had Martin Harvey for breakfast dinner and
supper I thought to myself afterwards it must be real love if a man
gives up his life for her that way for nothing I suppose there are a
few men like that left its hard to believe in it though unless it really
happened to me the majority of them with not a particle of love in their
natures to find two people like that nowadays full up of each other that
would feel the same way as you do theyre usually a bit foolish in the
head his father must have been a bit queer to go and poison himself
after her still poor old man I suppose he felt lost shes always making
love to my things too the few old rags I have wanting to put her hair up
at I S my powder too only ruin her skin on her shes time enough for that
all her life after of course shes restless knowing shes pretty with her
lips so red a pity they wont stay that way I was too but theres no use
going to the fair with the thing answering me like a fishwoman when
I asked to go for a half a stone of potatoes the day we met Mrs Joe
Gallaher at the trottingmatches and she pretended not to see us in her
trap with Friery the solicitor we werent grand enough till I gave her 2
damn fine cracks across the ear for herself take that now for answering
me like that and that for your impudence she had me that exasperated of
course contradicting I was badtempered too because how was it there was
a weed in the tea or I didnt sleep the night before cheese I ate was it
and I told her over and over again not to leave knives crossed like that
because she has nobody to command her as she said herself well if he
doesnt correct her faith I will that was the last time she turned on the
teartap I was just like that myself they darent order me about the place
its his fault of course having the two of us slaving here instead of
getting in a woman long ago am I ever going to have a proper servant
again of course then shed see him coming Id have to let her know or shed
revenge it arent they a nuisance that old Mrs Fleming you have to be
walking round after her putting the things into her hands sneezing and
farting into the pots well of course shes old she cant help it a good
job I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got lost behind the
dresser I knew there was something and opened the area window to let out
the smell bringing in his friends to entertain them like the night he
walked home with a dog if you please that might have been mad especially
Simon Dedalus son his father such a criticiser with his glasses up with
his tall hat on him at the cricket match and a great big hole in his
sock one thing laughing at the other and his son that got all those
prizes for whatever he won them in the intermediate imagine climbing
over the railings if anybody saw him that knew us I wonder he didnt tear
a big hole in his grand funeral trousers as if the one nature gave wasnt
enough for anybody hawking him down into the dirty old kitchen now is he
right in his head I ask pity it wasnt washing day my old pair of drawers
might have been hanging up too on the line on exhibition for all hed
ever care with the ironmould mark the stupid old bundle burned on them
he might think was something else and she never even rendered down the
fat I told her and now shes going such as she was on account of her
paralysed husband getting worse theres always something wrong with them
disease or they have to go under an operation or if its not that its
drink and he beats her Ill have to hunt around again for someone every
day I get up theres some new thing on sweet God sweet God well when Im
stretched out dead in my grave I suppose 111 have some peace I want to
get up a minute if Im let wait O Jesus wait yes that thing has come on
me yes now wouldnt that afflict you of course all the poking and rooting
and ploughing he had up in me now what am I to do Friday Saturday Sunday
wouldnt that pester the soul out of a body unless he likes it some men
do God knows theres always something wrong with us 5 days every 3 or 4
weeks usual monthly auction isnt it simply sickening that night it came
on me like that the one and only time we were in a box that Michael Gunn
gave him to see Mrs Kendal and her husband at the Gaiety something he
did about insurance for him in Drimmies I was fit to be tied though I
wouldnt give in with that gentleman of fashion staring down at me with
his glasses and him the other side of me talking about Spinoza and his
soul thats dead I suppose millions of years ago I smiled the best I
could all in a swamp leaning forward as if I was interested having to
sit it out then to the last tag I wont forget that wife of Scarli in
a hurry supposed to be a fast play about adultery that idiot in the
gallery hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose he went and
had a woman in the next lane running round all the back ways after
to make up for it I wish he had what I had then hed boo I bet the cat
itself is better off than us have we too much blood up in us or what O
patience above its pouring out of me like the sea anyhow he didnt make
me pregnant as big as he is I dont want to ruin the clean sheets I just
put on I suppose the clean linen I wore brought it on too damn it damn
it and they always want to see a stain on the bed to know youre a virgin
for them all thats troubling them theyre such fools too you could be a
widow or divorced 40 times over a daub of red ink would do or blackberry
juice no thats too purply O Jamesy let me up out of this pooh sweets of
sin whoever suggested that business for women what between clothes and
cooking and children this damned old bed too jingling like the dickens
I suppose they could hear us away over the other side of the park till I
suggested to put the quilt on the floor with the pillow under my bottom
I wonder is it nicer in the day I think it is easy I think Ill cut
all this hair off me there scalding me I might look like a young girl
wouldnt he get the great suckin the next time he turned up my clothes on
me Id give anything to see his face wheres the chamber gone easy Ive a
holy horror of its breaking under me after that old commode I wonder
was I too heavy sitting on his knee I made him sit on the easychair
purposely when I took off only my blouse and skirt first in the other
room he was so busy where he oughtnt to be he never felt me I hope my
breath was sweet after those kissing comfits easy God I remember one
time I could scout it out straight whistling like a man almost easy O
Lord how noisy I hope theyre bubbles on it for a wad of money from some
fellow 111 have to perfume it in the morning dont forget I bet he
never saw a better pair of thighs than that look how white they are the
smoothest place is right there between this bit here how soft like a
peach easy God I wouldnt mind being a man and get up on a lovely woman
O Lord what a row youre making like the jersey lily easy easy O how the
waters come down at Lahore
who knows is there anything the matter with my insides or have I
something growing in me getting that thing like that every week when was
it last I Whit Monday yes its only about 3 weeks I ought to go to the
doctor only it would be like before I married him when I had that white
thing coming from me and Floey made me go to that dry old stick Dr
Collins for womens diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called it I
suppose thats how he got all the gilt mirrors and carpets getting round
those rich ones off Stephens green running up to him for every little
fiddlefaddle her vagina and her cochinchina theyve money of course so
theyre all right I wouldnt marry him not if he was the last man in
the world besides theres something queer about their children always
smelling around those filthy bitches all sides asking me if what I did
had an offensive odour what did he want me to do but the one thing gold
maybe what a question if I smathered it all over his wrinkly old face
for him with all my compriments I suppose hed know then and could you
pass it easily pass what I thought he was talking about the rock of
Gibraltar the way he put it thats a very nice invention too by the
way only I like letting myself down after in the hole as far as I can
squeeze and pull the chain then to flush it nice cool pins and needles
still theres something in it I suppose I always used to know by Millys
when she was a child whether she had worms or not still all the same
paying him for that how much is that doctor one guinea please and asking
me had I frequent omissions where do those old fellows get all the words
they have omissions with his shortsighted eyes on me cocked sideways I
wouldnt trust him too far to give me chloroform or God knows what else
still I liked him when he sat down to write the thing out frowning so
severe his nose intelligent like that you be damned you lying strap O
anything no matter who except an idiot he was clever enough to spot
that of course that was all thinking of him and his mad crazy letters
my Precious one everything connected with your glorious Body everything
underlined that comes from it is a thing of beauty and of joy for ever
something he got out of some nonsensical book that he had me always at
myself 4 and 5 times a day sometimes and I said I hadnt are you sure
O yes I said I am quite sure in a way that shut him up I knew what was
coming next only natural weakness it was he excited me I dont know how
the first night ever we met when I was living in Rehoboth terrace we
stood staring at one another for about lo minutes as if we met somewhere
I suppose on account of my being jewess looking after my mother he used
to amuse me the things he said with the half sloothering smile on him
and all the Doyles said he was going to stand for a member of Parliament
O wasnt I the born fool to believe all his blather about home rule
and the land league sending me that long strool of a song out of the
Huguenots to sing in French to be more classy O beau pays de la Touraine
that I never even sang once explaining and rigmaroling about religion
and persecution he wont let you enjoy anything naturally then might he
as a great favour the very 1st opportunity he got a chance in Brighton
square running into my bedroom pretending the ink got on his hands to
wash it off with the Albion milk and sulphur soap I used to use and the
gelatine still round it O I laughed myself sick at him that day I better
not make an alnight sitting on this affair they ought to make chambers a
natural size so that a woman could sit on it properly he kneels down to
do it I suppose there isnt in all creation another man with the habits
he has look at the way hes sleeping at the foot of the bed how can he
without a hard bolster its well he doesnt kick or he might knock out
all my teeth breathing with his hand on his nose like that Indian god
he took me to show one wet Sunday in the museum in Kildare street all
yellow in a pinafore lying on his side on his hand with his ten toes
sticking out that he said was a bigger religion than the jews and
Our Lords both put together all over Asia imitating him as hes always
imitating everybody I suppose he used to sleep at the foot of the bed
too with his big square feet up in his wifes mouth damn this stinking
thing anyway wheres this those napkins are ah yes I know I hope the old
press doesnt creak ah I knew it would hes sleeping hard had a good time
somewhere still she must have given him great value for his money of
course he has to pay for it from her O this nuisance of a thing I hope
theyll have something better for us in the other world tying ourselves
up God help us thats all right for tonight now the lumpy old jingly
bed always reminds me of old Cohen I suppose he scratched himself in it
often enough and he thinks father bought it from Lord Napier that I used
to admire when I was a little girl because I told him easy piano O
I like my bed God here we are as bad as ever after 16 years how many
houses were we in at all Raymond terrace and Ontario terrace and Lombard
street and Holles street and he goes about whistling every time were on
the run again his huguenots or the frogs march pretending to help the
men with our 4 sticks of furniture and then the City Arms hotel worse
and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the landing always
somebody inside praying then leaving all their stinks after them
always know who was in there last every time were just getting on right
something happens or he puts his big foot in it Thoms and Helys and Mr
Cuffes and Drimmies either hes going to be run into prison over his old
lottery tickets that was to be all our salvations or he goes and gives
impudence well have him coming home with the sack soon out of the
Freeman too like the rest on account of those Sinner Fein or the
freemasons then well see if the little man he showed me dribbling
along in the wet all by himself round by Coadys lane will give him much
consolation that he says is so capable and sincerely Irish he is indeed
judging by the sincerity of the trousers I saw on him wait theres
Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well
thats a nice hour of the night for him to be coming home at to anybody
climbing down into the area if anybody saw him Ill knock him off that
little habit tomorrow first Ill look at his shirt to see or Ill see if
he has that French letter still in his pocketbook I suppose he thinks I
dont know deceitful men all their 20 pockets arent enough for their lies
then why should we tell them even if its the truth they dont believe you
then tucked up in bed like those babies in the Aristocrats Masterpiece
he brought me another time as if we hadnt enough of that in real life
without some old Aristocrat or whatever his name is disgusting you more
with those rotten pictures children with two heads and no legs thats the
kind of villainy theyre always dreaming about with not another thing in
their empty heads they ought to get slow poison the half of them then
tea and toast for him buttered on both sides and newlaid eggs I suppose
Im nothing any more when I wouldnt let him lick me in Holles street one
night man man tyrant as ever for the one thing he slept on the floor
half the night naked the way the jews used when somebody dies belonged
to them and wouldnt eat any breakfast or speak a word wanting to be
petted so I thought I stood out enough for one time and let him he does
it all wrong too thinking only of his own pleasure his tongue is too
flat or I dont know what he forgets that wethen I dont Ill make him do
it again if he doesnt mind himself and lock him down to sleep in the
coalcellar with the blackbeetles I wonder was it her Josie off her head
with my castoffs hes such a born liar too no hed never have the courage
with a married woman thats why he wants me and Boylan though as for her
Denis as she calls him that forlornlooking spectacle you couldnt call
him a husband yes its some little bitch hes got in with even when I was
with him with Milly at the College races that Hornblower with the childs
bonnet on the top of his nob let us into by the back way he was throwing
his sheeps eyes at those two doing skirt duty up and down I tried to
wink at him first no use of course and thats the way his money goes this
is the fruits of Mr Paddy Dignam yes they were all in great style at the
grand funeral in the paper Boylan brought in if they saw a real officers
funeral thatd be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor horse
walking behind in black L Boom and Tom Kernan that drunken little
barrelly man that bit his tongue off falling down the mens W C drunk
in some place or other and Martin Cunningham and the two Dedaluses and
Fanny MCoys husband white head of cabbage skinny thing with a turn in
her eye trying to sing my songs shed want to be born all over again and
her old green dress with the lowneck as she cant attract them any other
way like dabbling on a rainy day I see it all now plainly and they call
that friendship killing and then burying one another and they all with
their wives and families at home more especially Jack Power keeping that
barmaid he does of course his wife is always sick or going to be sick
or just getting better of it and hes a goodlooking man still though
hes getting a bit grey over the ears theyre a nice lot all of them well
theyre not going to get my husband again into their clutches if I can
help it making fun of him then behind his back I know well when he goes
on with his idiotics because he has sense enough not to squander every
penny piece he earns down their gullets and looks after his wife and
family goodfornothings poor Paddy Dignam all the same Im sorry in a
way for him what are his wife and 5 children going to do unless he was
insured comical little teetotum always stuck up in some pub corner and
her or her son waiting Bill Bailey wont you please come home her widows
weeds wont improve her appearance theyre awfully becoming though if
youre goodlooking what men wasnt he yes he was at the Glencree dinner
and Ben Dollard base barreltone the night he borrowed the swallowtail
to sing out of in Holles street squeezed and squashed into them and
grinning all over his big Dolly face like a wellwhipped childs botty
didnt he look a balmy ballocks sure enough that must have been a
spectacle on the stage imagine paying 5/- in the preserved seats for
that to see him trotting off in his trowlers and Simon Dedalus too he
was always turning up half screwed singing the second verse first the
old love is the new was one of his so sweetly sang the maiden on the
hawthorn bough he was always on for flirtyfying too when I sang Maritana
with him at Freddy Mayers private opera he had a delicious glorious
voice Phoebe dearest goodbye _sweet_heart sweetheart he always sang it
not like Bartell Darcy sweet tart goodbye of course he had the gift of
the voice so there was no art in it all over you like a warm showerbath
O Maritana wildwood flower we sang splendidly though it was a bit too
high for my register even transposed and he was married at the time to
May Goulding but then hed say or do something to knock the good out of
it hes a widower now I wonder what sort is his son he says hes an author
and going to be a university professor of Italian and Im to take lessons
what is he driving at now showing him my photo its not good of me I
ought to have got it taken in drapery that never looks out of fashion
still I look young in it I wonder he didnt make him a present of it
altogether and me too after all why not I saw him driving down to the
Kingsbridge station with his father and mother I was in mourning thats
11 years ago now yes hed be 11 though what was the good in going into
mourning for what was neither one thing nor the other the first cry was
enough for me I heard the deathwatch too ticking in the wall of course
he insisted hed go into mourning for the cat I suppose hes a man now by
this time he was an innocent boy then and a darling little fellow in his
lord Fauntleroy suit and curly hair like a prince on the stage when I
saw him at Mat Dillons he liked me too I remember they all do wait by
God yes wait yes hold on he was on the cards this morning when I laid
out the deck union with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met
before I thought it meant him but hes no chicken nor a stranger either
besides my face was turned the other way what was the 7th card after
that the 10 of spades for a journey by land then there was a letter on
its way and scandals too the 3 queens and the 8 of diamonds for a rise
in society yes wait it all came out and 2 red 8s for new garments look
at that and didnt I dream something too yes there was something about
poetry in it I hope he hasnt long greasy hair hanging into his eyes or
standing up like a red Indian what do they go about like that for only
getting themselves and their poetry laughed at I always liked poetry
when I was a girl first I thought he was a poet like lord Byron and not
an ounce of it in his composition I thought he was quite different I
wonder is he too young hes about wait 88 I was married 88 Milly is 15
yesterday 89 what age was he then at Dillons 5 or 6 about 88 I suppose
hes 20 or more Im not too old for him if hes 23 or 24 I hope hes not
that stuckup university student sort no otherwise he wouldnt go sitting
down in the old kitchen with him taking Eppss cocoa and talking of
course he pretended to understand it all probably he told him he was
out of Trinity college hes very young to be a professor I hope hes not
a professor like Goodwin was he was a potent professor of John Jameson
they all write about some woman in their poetry well I suppose he wont
find many like me where softly sighs of love the light guitar where
poetry is in the air the blue sea and the moon shining so beautifully
coming back on the nightboat from Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point
the guitar that fellow played was so expressive will I ever go back
there again all new faces two glancing eyes a lattice hid Ill sing that
for him theyre my eyes if hes anything of a poet two eyes as darkly
bright as loves own star arent those beautiful words as loves young star
itll be a change the Lord knows to have an intelligent person to talk
to about yourself not always listening to him and Billy Prescotts ad
and Keyess ad and Tom the Devils ad then if anything goes wrong in their
business we have to suffer Im sure hes very distinguished Id like to
meet a man like that God not those other ruck besides hes young those
fine young men I could see down in Margate strand bathingplace from the
side of the rock standing up in the sun naked like a God or something
and then plunging into the sea with them why arent all men like that
thered be some consolation for a woman like that lovely little statue he
bought I could look at him all day long curly head and his shoulders
his finger up for you to listen theres real beauty and poetry for you
I often felt I wanted to kiss him all over also his lovely young cock
there so simple I wouldnt mind taking him in my mouth if nobody was
looking as if it was asking you to suck it so clean and white he looks
with his boyish face I would too in 1/2 a minute even if some of it went
down what its only like gruel or the dew theres no danger besides hed
be so clean compared with those pigs of men I suppose never dream of
washing it from I years end to the other the most of them only thats
what gives the women the moustaches Im sure itll be grand if I can only
get in with a handsome young poet at my age Ill throw them the 1st thing
in the morning till I see if the wishcard comes out or Ill try pairing
the lady herself and see if he comes out Ill read and study all I can
find or learn a bit off by heart if I knew who he likes so he wont think
me stupid if he thinks all women are the same and I can teach him the
other part Ill make him feel all over him till he half faints under
me then hell write about me lover and mistress publicly too with our 2
photographs in all the papers when he becomes famous O but then what am
I going to do about him though
no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no
nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because
I didnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a
cabbage thats what you get for not keeping them in their proper place
pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so
barefaced without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar
way in the half of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a
butcher or those old hypocrites in the time of Julius Caesar of course
hes right enough in his way to pass the time as a joke sure you might
as well be in bed with what with a lion God Im sure hed have something
better to say for himself an old Lion would O well I suppose its because
they were so plump and tempting in my short petticoat he couldnt resist
they excite myself sometimes its well for men all the amount of pleasure
they get off a womans body were so round and white for them always I
wished I was one myself for a change just to try with that thing they
have swelling up on you so hard and at the same time so soft when you
touch it my uncle John has a thing long I heard those cornerboys saying
passing the comer of Marrowbone lane my aunt Mary has a thing hairy
because it was dark and they knew a girl was passing it didnt make me
blush why should it either its only nature and he puts his thing long
into my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out to be you put the handle
in a sweepingbrush men again all over they can pick and choose what they
please a married woman or a fast widow or a girl for their different
tastes like those houses round behind Irish street no but were to be
always chained up theyre not going to be chaining me up no damn fear
once I start I tell you for their stupid husbands jealousy why cant we
all remain friends over it instead of quarrelling her husband found it
out what they did together well naturally and if he did can he undo it
hes coronado anyway whatever he does and then he going to the other
mad extreme about the wife in Fair Tyrants of course the man never even
casts a 2nd thought on the husband or wife either its the woman he wants
and he gets her what else were we given all those desires for Id like to
know I cant help it if Im young still can I its a wonder Im not an old
shrivelled hag before my time living with him so cold never embracing
me except sometimes when hes asleep the wrong end of me not knowing I
suppose who he has any man thatd kiss a womans bottom Id throw my hat at
him after that hed kiss anything unnatural where we havent I atom of any
kind of expression in us all of us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever
Id do that to a man pfooh the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough
I kiss the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that didnt he kiss
our halldoor yes he did what a madman nobody understands his cracked
ideas but me still of course a woman wants to be embraced 20 times a day
almost to make her look young no matter by who so long as to be in love
or loved by somebody if the fellow you want isnt there sometimes by the
Lord God I was thinking would I go around by the quays there some dark
evening where nobodyd know me and pick up a sailor off the sea thatd be
hot on for it and not care a pin whose I was only do it off up in a gate
somewhere or one of those wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their
camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if
they could I only sent mine there a few times for the name model
laundry sending me back over and over some old ones odd stockings that
blackguardlooking fellow with the fine eyes peeling a switch attack me
in the dark and ride me up against the wall without a word or a murderer
anybody what they do themselves the fine gentlemen in their silk hats
that K C lives up somewhere this way coming out of Hardwicke lane the
night he gave us the fish supper on account of winning over the boxing
match of course it was for me he gave it I knew him by his gaiters and
the walk and when I turned round a minute after just to see there was
a woman after coming out of it too some filthy prostitute then he goes
home to his wife after that only I suppose the half of those sailors are
rotten again with disease O move over your big carcass out of that for
the love of Mike listen to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so
well he may sleep and sigh the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if
he knew how he came out on the cards this morning hed have something to
sigh for a dark man in some perplexity between 2 7s too in prison for
Lord knows what he does that I dont know and Im to be slooching around
down in the kitchen to get his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled
up like a mummy will I indeed did you ever see me running Id just like
to see myself at it show them attention and they treat you like dirt
I dont care what anybody says itd be much better for the world to be
governed by the women in it you wouldnt see women going and killing one
another and slaughtering when do you ever see women rolling around drunk
like they do or gambling every penny they have and losing it on horses
yes because a woman whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they
wouldnt be in the world at all only for us they dont know what it is to
be a woman and a mother how could they where would they all of them be
if they hadnt all a mother to look after them what I never had thats
why I suppose hes running wild now out at night away from his books
and studies and not living at home on account of the usual rowy house I
suppose well its a poor case that those that have a fine son like that
theyre not satisfied and I none was he not able to make one it wasnt my
fault we came together when I was watching the two dogs up in her behind
in the middle of the naked street that disheartened me altogether I
suppose I oughtnt to have buried him in that little woolly jacket I
knitted crying as I was but give it to some poor child but I knew well
Id never have another our 1st death too it was we were never the same
since O Im not going to think myself into the glooms about that any
more I wonder why he wouldnt stay the night I felt all the time it was
somebody strange he brought in instead of roving around the city meeting
God knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother wouldnt
like that if she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its a
lovely hour so silent I used to love coming home after dances the air of
the night they have friends they can talk to weve none either he wants
what he wont get or its some woman ready to stick her knife in you I
hate that in women no wonder they treat us the way they do we are a
dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles we have makes us
so snappy Im not like that he could easy have slept in there on the sofa
in the other room I suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young
hardly 20 of me in the next room hed have heard me on the chamber arrah
what harm Dedalus I wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz
Delagracia they had the devils queer names there father Vilaplana of
Santa Maria that gave me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the Calle las
Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a
name Id go and drown myself in the first river if I had a name like
her O my and all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and
Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and the devils gap steps well small
blame to me if I am a harumscarum I know I am a bit I declare to God I
dont feel a day older than then I wonder could I get my tongue round
any of the Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I havent
forgotten it all I thought I had only for the grammar a noun is the
name of any person place or thing pity I never tried to read that novel
cantankerous Mrs Rubio lent me by Valera with the questions in it all
upside down the two ways I always knew wed go away in the end I can
tell him the Spanish and he tell me the Italian then hell see Im not
so ignorant what a pity he didnt stay Im sure the poor fellow was dead
tired and wanted a good sleep badly I could have brought him in his
breakfast in bed with a bit of toast so long as I didnt do it on
the knife for bad luck or if the woman was going her rounds with the
watercress and something nice and tasty there are a few olives in the
kitchen he might like I never could bear the look of them in Abrines
I could do the criada the room looks all right since I changed it the
other way you see something was telling me all the time Id have to
introduce myself not knowing me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im his
wife or pretend we were in Spain with him half awake without a Gods
notion where he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things
come into my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us
why not theres the room upstairs empty and Millys bed in the back room
he could do his writing and studies at the table in there for all the
scribbling he does at it and if he wants to read in bed in the morning
like me as hes making the breakfast for I he can make it for 2 Im sure
Im not going to take in lodgers off the street for him if he takes
a gesabo of a house like this Id love to have a long talk with an
intelligent welleducated person Id have to get a nice pair of red
slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell or yellow and a
nice semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a peachblossom
dressing jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or 18/6 Ill
just give him one more chance Ill get up early in the morning Im sick of
Cohens old bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all
the vegetables and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of
splendid fruits all coming in lovely and fresh who knows whod be the 1st
man Id meet theyre out looking for it in the morning Mamy Dillon used
to say they are and the night too that was her massgoing Id love a
big juicy pear now to melt in your mouth like when I used to be in the
longing way then Ill throw him up his eggs and tea in the moustachecup
she gave him to make his mouth bigger I suppose hed like my nice cream
too I know what Ill do Ill go about rather gay not too much singing a
bit now and then mi fa pieta Masetto then Ill start dressing myself to
go out presto non son piu forte Ill put on my best shift and drawers let
him have a good eyeful out of that to make his micky stand for him Ill
let him know if thats what he wanted that his wife is I s l o fucked yes
and damn well fucked too up to my neck nearly not by him 5 or 6 times
handrunning theres the mark of his spunk on the clean sheet I wouldnt
bother to even iron it out that ought to satisfy him if you dont believe
me feel my belly unless I made him stand there and put him into me Ive a
mind to tell him every scrap and make him do it out in front of me serve
him right its all his own fault if I am an adulteress as the thing in
the gallery said O much about it if thats all the harm ever we did in
this vale of tears God knows its not much doesnt everybody only they
hide it I suppose thats what a woman is supposed to be there for or
He wouldnt have made us the way He did so attractive to men then if he
wants to kiss my bottom Ill drag open my drawers and bulge it right out
in his face as large as life he can stick his tongue 7 miles up my hole
as hes there my brown part then Ill tell him I want LI or perhaps 30/-
Ill tell him I want to buy underclothes then if he gives me that well he
wont be too bad I dont want to soak it all out of him like other women
do I could often have written out a fine cheque for myself and write his
name on it for a couple of pounds a few times he forgot to lock it up
besides he wont spend it Ill let him do it off on me behind provided he
doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose that cant be helped Ill do
the indifferent l or 2 questions Ill know by the answers when hes like
that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him Ill tighten my
bottom well and let out a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or
the first mad thing comes into my head then Ill suggest about yes O wait
now sonny my turn is coming Ill be quite gay and friendly over it O
but I was forgetting this bloody pest of a thing pfooh you wouldnt know
which to laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum and apple no Ill have
to wear the old things so much the better itll be more pointed hell
never know whether he did it or not there thats good enough for you
any old thing at all then Ill wipe him off me just like a business his
omission then Ill go out Ill have him eying up at the ceiling where is
she gone now make him want me thats the only way a quarter after what an
unearthly hour I suppose theyre just getting up in China now combing out
their pigtails for the day well soon have the nuns ringing the angelus
theyve nobody coming in to spoil their sleep except an odd priest or two
for his night office or the alarmclock next door at cockshout clattering
the brains out of itself let me see if I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what
kind of flowers are those they invented like the stars the wallpaper
in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me was like that
something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and try again
so as I can get up early Ill go to Lambes there beside Findlaters and
get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in case he
brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first
I want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think while Im
asleep then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him first I
must clean the keys of the piano with milk whatll I wear shall I wear
a white rose or those fairy cakes in Liptons I love the smell of a rich
big shop at 7 1/2d a lb or the other ones with the cherries in them
and the pinky sugar I Id a couple of lbs of those a nice plant for the
middle of the table Id get that cheaper in wait wheres this I saw them
not long ago I love flowers Id love to have the whole place swimming in
roses God of heaven theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then
the sea and the waves rushing then the beautiful country with the fields
of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and all the fine cattle going
about that would do your heart good to see rivers and lakes and flowers
all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing up even out of the
ditches primroses and violets nature it is as for them saying theres no
God I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all their learning why
dont they go and create something I often asked him atheists or whatever
they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then
they go howling for the priest and they dying and why why because theyre
afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah yes I know them
well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody
that made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you
are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun
shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on
Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to
propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth
and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long
kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain
yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he
said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I
liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew
I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could
leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first
only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many
things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and
old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop
and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front
of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil
half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their
tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and
the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and
Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharons
and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the
cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts
of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those
handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit
down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the
posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron
and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we
missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his
lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson
sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the
Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and the pink
and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and
geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower
of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian
girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the
Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked
him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to
say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and
drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his
heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
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